I am rambling

I hate spring, it is obvious why I do; all those sand storms and bad weather. I am allergic to dust so you can imagine my state in such weather. I didn’t work since almost 10 days, I mean I wake up and go everyday to work but things are incredibly slow at work I have almost nothing to do and this isn’t the right period to be that un-occupied.

I didn’t go to the movies since quite some time now, I didn’t jog since 10 days also (don’t know what is the secret of the last 10 days) jogging in the street around a park or something like that in Cairo is really health destructive specially in this weather, I feel I am collecting pollution and toxics every time I do it people are supposed to jog to maintain a good health I feel by doing that I am deteriorating my respiratory system!

I know I should go to a gym (I have been saying that to myself since 6 months now)I just I am afraid that a gym will add more pressure on me (yeah I became that fragile!) coz for sure I know I will drop it half of the time and I will feel bad about it…. I want to keep my life as busy as possible but all I can think about it are solo activities and no matter what i do studying and going to gym won’t make me feel fulfilled so I just keep delaying it and say to myself…well I am not going anywhere it won’t make a difference if I do it now or later.

Since I saw Grey’s Anatomy for the first time a month or so ago and I just can’t stop thinking about it, full credit to everyone working in this series , for the outstanding human feelings and emotions displayed in it. When she found out he is married and she had to back off and let him go, the whole episode she was thinking when was the last time she kissed him, oh my god what a detail, the last scene in the episode when he was at her door step and he was leaving and she asked him….when was the last time we kissed I can’t remember…..the stare in their eyes the way he remembered and answered her…..that scene just broke my heart.

When I look around and observe couples….people who are in love with each other hurt each other the most and in an amazing ironic cynical cruel brutal way they are incredibly nice with everyone else except with each other!!!!!!!!! WHY WHY WHY? I never got this instance of stupidity that humans have why if I am in love with someone I’d just do everything possible to appreciate and make that person happy, why people in love expect that who loves them should take the worst part of them just because they love them…..why everything has to be taken for granted!

Not just couple do that parents also, they take their children for granted and most of the time they think, they are our children what will happen ya3ny they won’t love us anymore we gave them birth ….DA!

Stupid feelings I’d list it at the top of the most lethal weapons that man kind has ever created.

May Allah forgive us all for what we do to each other.

I need Oxygen

I won’t say that this is a bad period…..a period have a start and end point….so far it didn’t end………and I don’t know when or how will it end….changes are a must to my life….I just….to be honest I lack some courage and guts……I can’t stop remembering when I was younger I was way much tougher and sharper….I don’t know what is happening to me….why I became so soft this vulnerability that is killing me……..what is going with on with me…..am I disappointed of myself and I am denying it? Did I compromise? I was brought up to be as selfish as possible and I was a kid I noticed that people really hates me because I am very selfish and I don’t give a damn about anyone else but me……in a way or another although I was very young I knew that this is very ugly, abnormal ,freaky and I will end up alone if I continued to grow up like this….so I started to change myself as years went by and I made it……I think about the interest and the well being of everyone I care for before I do for me……it takes a lot of my time, energy, and emotions…….what is very ironic…..i transformed myself from an extreme to another…..from a very selfish self-centered always taking not giving anything back ….to the opposite the absolute one….i did that first to be a better person second to be able to connect and bond with people………..result I am alone feeling neglected frustrated from people at all levels….family friendship and love…..Again is it me….Am I too much?

Sick....or Something like that

I am very sensitive and I am very sick of it………even when I fall madly in love with someone I fall with the most selfish person on the planet……… I am really really sick of it….sick of my weakness, of my hunger and my incredible need of love, care and compassion……. Is it the solution to replace my heart with void stone glass steal or anything non-human to survive….. or am I too much and I am over reacting…………am I that un-lucky with people or it is me who is completely un-fair to people and I have impossible idealistic standards……….i am a great person everyone already acknowledged that so what is the problem is it confusion is it no self esteem no I like myself very much and I am very pleased with myself….this amazing continuous disappointment of people where does it come from….do I have a sick mind do I enjoy being a victim…..NO NO NO I am not like that…..I am sick of reconciling myself…I am sick of paying too much attention to people’s feelings while they just consider themselves human if they forget about me or don’t take care of me…..i am sick of not being able to cry when I want to…………i just want be happy fulfilled and ……………….loved………and no it shouldn’t be not news to me anymore…………it is extremely too much to ask…………